Patience

I have this fear. My children only remembering the worst of me. My grumpy days, the lost temper, the angry face or that argument with dad. While these are usually few and far between, sometimes they can all occur on the same day.. maybe even within the hour!
You try your best to provide the best environment for your kids, but sometimes 'eff it' does not mean 'effort'. It means leave me alone till my head has healed and I can think like a normal person again.
It can just be something like too noisy. too messy and too naughty. this is what a kid is isn't it? This is what they are made of, noise, food, play, mess. It's what my kids consist of, and this is all good with me, when it is contained. You could say we have containment issues. You know like on border control, I feel like walking around with a red light going off, telling my kids they have breached the border, time to go back.
I think what I'm struggling with this last month is boundaries. My own boundaries. where do I set them, am I supposed to be grumpy and yell all the time just so they will listen. we have charts and reward systems, my kids know what they are supposed to be doing, I know I've drilled it into them. but that's just it. I don't want to be drill master. I want to have fun too, I want to play handball instead of cooking dinner or play outside instead of mopping the floors...again.
 Last week Riley brought home a letter from school, stating that it was Easter parade time again, and I (being her mother) am to make her an Easter hat. I usually pike out and just send her with bunny ears, but she said to me "mum can we actually make a hat this year?" I said no. If I make one hat then I'll have to make Four. No thanks. But she was still asking me everyday, till last night I raised my voice at her, telling her to leave it alone. She had her answer. That one lil tear that rolled. No noise from her for the rest of the night (unusual) and just the sulky face. bad mummy. Today I brought all the stuff to make an Easter hat. Not that I know what that really looks like, I'm sure riley will know. That feeling like your always playing catch up. Forever forgetting things, or refusing to do something then having to deal with the guilt of knowing that you didn't really have a good reason why you cant. I lie in bed at night and cringe at all the things I should've done or forgot to do. Its like a revolving slide show for 'this is your life'. All your failures.
Don't worry, I'm okay, most of my decisions regarding the kids are fair. they usually just depend on time or money. I just feel like that patient side of me is disappearing. a slow motion drain from my body. I feel like I'm saying 'No' all the time, either I'm growing less patient or my kids requests are getting more stupid.
HH has about as much patience as he has a 6 pack. Its there, just underneath. I grew up with a father who had no patience, the difference is he had a temper to match. John is impatient, but he can keep it reigned in. My dad would loose his patience first, then he would loose his temper second. I can tell you that growing up with someone on a short fuse isn't good. That fear that a parent can instill into a child does no good. they loose self confidence. Adults may think that behaving like that brings them respect. I yell and make a noise, so you better respect me. Ah no buddy, all that does is bring fear. Being fearful of somebody, is not respecting them.
I am constantly mindful of this, when I'm instructing my kids, I raise my voice, so we can get things done, keep our home clean, do our jobs, function. but I try to keep the anger behind those words out of it. I want them to listen to me, because that's the right thing to do, not because they are scared of me. Some days I can feel that patience slip and the frustration set in, and I'm not even sure what to do in those moments, I usually just busy myself cleaning or cooking. keep the body busy so the mind will follow. I should read a parenting book, but I'm way to cynical. I think ill just rely on my old friends. trial and error.
What I want for myself is right in the middle. Hard line on the rules and respecting each other, but still a soft place for my kids to fall. I have seven children, I am a responsible for how they feel about themselves. I think this is prob the hardest part of being a parent. I can cater for all of your physical needs easy. Ive done it for the last 13 years. but emotional support I find hard, it means talking about feelings and to be honest, I hate doing stuff like that, it means that I have to be unselfish, think about how your feeling and then, because I'm the parent, I'm supposed to have answers? I don't have answers yet, I'm still coping with being over 30.
My mother always says patience is a virtue. I have always said "well i am not very virtuous", much to her annoyance. Maybe mama is right, patience is a virtue, as only the virtuous can have real patience. Something I need to work on, just like my six pack of abs. its there, just underneath.