My Lara Bear

 

 

 

My girl. My first born. My learning curve, that is still curving. She has been my Koala bear since she was the baby that wouldn't sleep at night and just cried allll the time. (Ask Moira Neho, she endured that with me!) That may have been because I was only 19 and didn't know what the heck I was doing with a baby. She is now 13, turning 14 in May, and she is still my baby. Kalara Lee Hunt. From the second we said her name, she smiled, and shes still smiles. Till today. Today out of nowhere we started talking about bullying, and tears well up in her eyes. She is like her mother, cries in an instant when the raw nerve is touched. With a little encouragement, she talks about people at her school that hassle her. people who call her names, tease her, mock her. my blood is boiling. I am trying to remain calm, talk calmly, ask the right questions, but all I want to know who they are and where do they live. My heart breaks for her, for her confidence to be attacked, for her heritage to be mocked and for her friends who have been going through the same thing.
Kalara says to me that its not that bad, only sometimes or some days. But even once is too much.
She tells me about a conversation with her friend, who wants to go home because in NZ you're not teased for being brown, being brown is pretty cool. So we talk about changing schools, and I'm reluctant to offer that. She is in a good school, or so i thought, academically it is a great school, but I'm wondering if the school harbours this culture. Where brown kids are considered to be less important, or are targets for stupid teenagers.

Kalara has always had a strong spirit, she is the eldest of seven and is just as responsible as you would expect of her. She plays all the sports, sings all the time, joins all the nerdy clubs, loves church and has an awesome group of friends, which mainly consist of kiwi kids. Till today I've looked at her and always been happy with how things are going with her. Now I am a worried mess. What do I do? Do I change her school, does that mean that we have let them win?? Do I make a fuss with the principle and embarrass her? Pull these kids out and berate them, knowing that they would just retaliate and probably harass her further.
My letter to the principle is written and ready to send. I suppose we will wait and see how this next term goes, but I am armed and ready for war.(verbally that is, no machetes here) Every line has been carefully repeated in my head, I'm laughing now at the imaginary conversations with her principle in my head.
You would think these kids would know that if Lara is Polynesian, maybe she has Polynesian parents... they obviously don't know the repercussions of that fact.

So this is how we got to the hair cutting. I was brushing her hair and said that she should cut it short, then she started to tear up, I was taken aback a bit and quickly said that we did not have to do that. She tells me that the only reason why she doesn't want to go short is because she will get 'paid out' at school. Being old and all she had to explain that being 'paid out' means being mocked and teased. It means being bullied.
So we talk about bullying, about what has happened to her, and it goes back to last year. I'm slightly shocked and annoyed at her for not letting me know, but still just surprised at the extent of it all. she wont name the people or repeat the names shes been called, but I know. I know the words, I could tell that if she repeated the words to me, that I would cry too.

Then my girl looks at me, as if she has drawn strength from somewhere and says "lets do it". after several "are you sure?'' and a few google searches of what she wanted, I have shaved half her hair off and she is now looking a little like Cassie and loving it. She says that she can handle it. She tells me about a girl at school whos father has leukemia and she wanted to shave her head in support of her father on 'Worlds greatest shave" but her mother wouldn't let her because she was scared she would get teased at school. Lara is certain that when school starts she will be proud to be a bit different and the people who want to tease can do so without effect on her. So she is sticking a finger to the bullies. And I support her 100%.

We live in a country where being called an Abbo is a derogatory remark, that kind of says it all for me. In Laras first week at school, she was called an Abbo, like that was something bad or something to be ashamed of. I told her to tell them that she is Samoan, and maybe explain just what a Samoan is.
But what if she was an Aborigine, would that make her less of a person, does that mean that she is worth less?
I have always noticed the slight racism here in Australia, I've always ignored it and carried on, it has not affected me personally because I am fair skinned. My husband has had people stand rather than sit next him on the train, but I tell him that's just because he's scary. Majority of people down here on the Gold Coast are lovely and embrace kiwis as their brothers, just not when the All Blacks are playing. We have many 'palagi' friends, my kids love their Aussie mates, its only a few that ruin it for us. I suppose it doesnt matter what coutry you live in , racism can be found everywhere, Im just sad that this is something that my kids might have to deal with purely because they are brown.

Maybe I can get a little closer to my girl, today has definitely made me realise how much she doesn't tell me, how much she has bore on her own. It has also shown me how strong and resilient my baby is. I am proud of her. I always have been proud, today I am so proud of her defiance. I love it, I love that she made this choice on her own and will own it. As long as that defiance doesn't reach her parents (crosses fingers) I know that the hair will grow back, and one day she will look back and laugh at the heroics of it all. I'm just hoping for the rest of her High School journey to be as painless as possible. Hoping.

 They say to let children experience pain, emotional and physical, as it teaches them to be more robust. I would wrap my kids in cotton wool if I could, that would give me great satisfaction, but in the real world, where real people live, they will have to learn how to deal with bullies, There will always be that crass idiot and the b**ch that doesn't leave you alone, Mama cant always be there to fight every fight (she would love to though). So I'm hoping that while this is hard for me, to let her fight her battles her way, she will figure out a way to be happy and successful in everything she does.

Now I just need to go back and delete all the swear words and unnessessary rants.
Time for a chill pill, a sleep, and a refocus on whats important. Easter weekend my friends, enjoy the family time, and sorry for the sad post. LOVE to you all xxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Patience

I have this fear. My children only remembering the worst of me. My grumpy days, the lost temper, the angry face or that argument with dad. While these are usually few and far between, sometimes they can all occur on the same day.. maybe even within the hour!
You try your best to provide the best environment for your kids, but sometimes 'eff it' does not mean 'effort'. It means leave me alone till my head has healed and I can think like a normal person again.
It can just be something like too noisy. too messy and too naughty. this is what a kid is isn't it? This is what they are made of, noise, food, play, mess. It's what my kids consist of, and this is all good with me, when it is contained. You could say we have containment issues. You know like on border control, I feel like walking around with a red light going off, telling my kids they have breached the border, time to go back.
I think what I'm struggling with this last month is boundaries. My own boundaries. where do I set them, am I supposed to be grumpy and yell all the time just so they will listen. we have charts and reward systems, my kids know what they are supposed to be doing, I know I've drilled it into them. but that's just it. I don't want to be drill master. I want to have fun too, I want to play handball instead of cooking dinner or play outside instead of mopping the floors...again.
 Last week Riley brought home a letter from school, stating that it was Easter parade time again, and I (being her mother) am to make her an Easter hat. I usually pike out and just send her with bunny ears, but she said to me "mum can we actually make a hat this year?" I said no. If I make one hat then I'll have to make Four. No thanks. But she was still asking me everyday, till last night I raised my voice at her, telling her to leave it alone. She had her answer. That one lil tear that rolled. No noise from her for the rest of the night (unusual) and just the sulky face. bad mummy. Today I brought all the stuff to make an Easter hat. Not that I know what that really looks like, I'm sure riley will know. That feeling like your always playing catch up. Forever forgetting things, or refusing to do something then having to deal with the guilt of knowing that you didn't really have a good reason why you cant. I lie in bed at night and cringe at all the things I should've done or forgot to do. Its like a revolving slide show for 'this is your life'. All your failures.
Don't worry, I'm okay, most of my decisions regarding the kids are fair. they usually just depend on time or money. I just feel like that patient side of me is disappearing. a slow motion drain from my body. I feel like I'm saying 'No' all the time, either I'm growing less patient or my kids requests are getting more stupid.
HH has about as much patience as he has a 6 pack. Its there, just underneath. I grew up with a father who had no patience, the difference is he had a temper to match. John is impatient, but he can keep it reigned in. My dad would loose his patience first, then he would loose his temper second. I can tell you that growing up with someone on a short fuse isn't good. That fear that a parent can instill into a child does no good. they loose self confidence. Adults may think that behaving like that brings them respect. I yell and make a noise, so you better respect me. Ah no buddy, all that does is bring fear. Being fearful of somebody, is not respecting them.
I am constantly mindful of this, when I'm instructing my kids, I raise my voice, so we can get things done, keep our home clean, do our jobs, function. but I try to keep the anger behind those words out of it. I want them to listen to me, because that's the right thing to do, not because they are scared of me. Some days I can feel that patience slip and the frustration set in, and I'm not even sure what to do in those moments, I usually just busy myself cleaning or cooking. keep the body busy so the mind will follow. I should read a parenting book, but I'm way to cynical. I think ill just rely on my old friends. trial and error.
What I want for myself is right in the middle. Hard line on the rules and respecting each other, but still a soft place for my kids to fall. I have seven children, I am a responsible for how they feel about themselves. I think this is prob the hardest part of being a parent. I can cater for all of your physical needs easy. Ive done it for the last 13 years. but emotional support I find hard, it means talking about feelings and to be honest, I hate doing stuff like that, it means that I have to be unselfish, think about how your feeling and then, because I'm the parent, I'm supposed to have answers? I don't have answers yet, I'm still coping with being over 30.
My mother always says patience is a virtue. I have always said "well i am not very virtuous", much to her annoyance. Maybe mama is right, patience is a virtue, as only the virtuous can have real patience. Something I need to work on, just like my six pack of abs. its there, just underneath.