Be like Bob

There is something comforting about the first few guitar chords of Redemption Song. It settles the anxiety, pulls the stress away. if you don't know the words, or the song, then you just don't know. 

I just finished reading a biography on the life of Bob Marley, I stole it off my sister for my flight home from Nz. It took me two weeks to read properly, instead of my usual smash out a book in one or two days. Biographies are different, too much information, not enough story, and I ended up being annoyed at the author for not putting enough of Bob's wise words in it. Fussy? For sure. I really just wanted to hear his voice to confirm all that I had read. I wanted my own personal interview, complete with guitar and serenade. 

What I did love, was his ability to see the bright side of life. Even when he was making no money from his music, battling cancer, growing up as a kid with an absent father or when his country was in the grips of political turmoil and corruption. He just stayed positive. Maybe it was all that weed. okay, yeah it was all the weed, lol, but as a man, and in his music, you can hear it and feel that his message was nothing but a positive one.
I'm tempted to rewrite the book quickly just so you know all the facts, but you know what, read it yourself :)

Combine the feelings of love and gratitude with reggae and Mr. Marleys' voice, and it works.
If Bob tells me "Don't worry, about a thing, coz everything little thing is gonna be alright."
I believe him.
Then I get on with my day.
First encounters with Bob Marley, were out of  Uncles Boyds Record collection, I was 12, and it was the single 'One Drop'.  It was on a 7 inch vinyl record, complete with the paper sleeve. My family did not grow up with Bob in the background. It was more Chicago, Eagles and Eric Clapton, and if Dad was getting really wild, Jimmy, Satriani and Thin Lizzy might make an appearance. So I literally had to wait til nobody was around to get my turn on the record player, which was located upstairs next to my parents room, thanks to the headphones for my personal Bob moment, because my Dad prob would've thrown it out the window. He would've said,"those dopeheads". The irony does not escape me considering his taste of music.
I soon brought a poster of Bob, I wish I still had it, but the parentals were not impressed with it so it got moved to the inside of my wardrobe door. I once corrected an Uncle who said Rastafari with a 'E" on the end. I told him "It's rastafari. you know like EYE." My dad heard me and gave me the Samoan dagger eyes, I went to my room and opened my wardrobe to be with Bob. Nobody understands you when you are 14 years old.

When hard times arise, and they do, it's easy to get caught up in the stress, stress is something that is not foreign to me, the last few months have been somewhat stressful, John is embarking on a new career, leaving the secure and faithful insurance job to do security work and eventually open up his own company. Having my lovely man home with me is stressful. Our truck decided to die a spectacular death the week before my trip to Nz, leaving John with all the kids, right on the holidays and having to find the thousands that its cost us to repair. Money and stress are the worst combinations. they leave you feeling edgy and almost in a state of despair. I am not usually a stressful person, if things don't get done, there is always tomorrow, but it seems my life motto needed to take a back seat, as things now need to be done today. Sitting around hoping for the best just doesn't cut it when there are kids depending on you to function. Function is a funny word, it could mean a fancy party with friends or colleagues, which would be nice, but now it means that the brain, and all it's intentions, has to meet the action. I always have the best intentions, but the action seems to get lost in day to day life. My resolve to work harder and be more active is almost enforced from the stressful times, it seems to push you into changing your situation. What other options are there? Push through and change something, or give up?
You can find a million Bob quotes online, most of them are beautiful and true in their own right. My fav is "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you have".

Being responsible for seven little souls leaves me with no other option but to pull my head up.

To take a page out of the Book of Bob Marley, is to look at life from a different point of view. He was a rebel at heart, happy to go against the norm, always searching for a way to right wrongs, he told us to "Get Up, Stand Up", complacency was not an option, and so it should be for us, in all aspects of life, family, work, social or political, there is nothing wrong with standing by what you believe, even if it makes you different from the norm. I hope I can achieve what I want to achieve, grow some balls and get back into the workforce, lose some damn weight, DRIVE! My life is what I have made it, It's all mine, I embrace it in all it's chaos and crazy. Its not a bad life, we are comfortable, the kids have everything they need and we don't go without anything that we want. But for me, it's time to move forward and make my life different. The little things that I need to do will take more mental strength than physical. I am sooo weak. lol. but I'll get there.

So, my new motto: Be like Bob.
I'm going to be my own Hype man. Bob was, he fought for his own, made his music a success, worked hard, I can do that too, stick up for myself, fight for something different for me and my family. Funny because my only enemy is actually MYSELF. I know the saying 'You are your own worst enemy' and that is no more truer a statement, I am my own fault picker, self loather and critic. Protecting myself from myself? hmm anybody got any suggestions on how to do that?

Don't Worry, I'll just sing 'Three little Birds'  xx

I hope you step on a lego

My Mum told me about something she'd seen on Pinterest. It said "I hope you step on a Lego." It was like somebody had just summed up my day in seven words. Damn Lego.

If you were my enemy, I would let you step on Lego, I would watch and hope that it got you in the most tender part of your foot. I have yet to identify an enemy, but if you are out there, you had better watch out, I will lay the Lego out!
In saying that... my kids need to step on Lego, just once so they know how it feels. Do I class my children as the enemy? maybe! In the middle of the night, in a mad dash to the toilet, and every sharp toy or object is lying in my pathway to the bathroom, for sure, they are enemy number one, and sadly, my kids seem to be winning our imaginary war. Maybe I just give up too easily, It doesn't seem to matter how many times I've threatened to throw it away, or pull their ears if they don't look after their Lego, there is always just ONE piece left out. The sharpest piece.

Vacuming my lounge today, I sucked up close to 20 pieces of the twins beloved Lego, the tiniest pieces that my boys love to build with. Normally I would bend down and pick them up, put them back in the tin, but not today, today I was channeling my Father who always said to us, if its on the floor, its in the bin. I remember my dad forever throwing away toys or stationery that was lying around the house, if he should see a tennis ball in the lounge he would chuck it, then not tell us that he had done this while we would search for our tennis ball, sad guy knew he had thrown it out, but wouldn't even make a smirk or a sound.

So it goes, with every other thing my children own, pens, pencils, rubbers, lego, hair ties, hair clips, loom bands, earrings and bobby pins, they too now just get sucked up the vacum cleaner. I used to care, but now I don't, maybe it's age (it is definitely age) and I think my back is too lazy to bend down and pick up all this crap on the floor everyday.
Cue one hour later... my boys are asking where the missing bits of Lego is, I mumbled an admission of vacuming them up, only to be reprimanded by two 9 year olds "Mum they're my Star Wars Lego, you cant just vacum it up!" "naw mum why'd you do that for" "ohh that's the bit that connects the other bit" CARE!!
So I pulled the bagless vacuum cleaner out, sat it on the table outside and made them search through it for their Lego, they washed them, dried them, then said sorry for leaving them out. My boys don't do dirt, they do minecraft, comic books and Lego, always happy to play outside, but not in the dirt, not vacum cleaner dirt anyway!. I think digging around in dust for 15 minutes may have made them slightly more careful about where they put their stuff.
John had the nerve to say to me the other day that I was too soft on the kids. I could've hit him on the back of the head, but instead I just sulked. I am not soft, the percentage of my day that is spent instructing (yelling) guiding (growling) and nurturing (screaming) is probably close to 70%. Factor in that I have Seven kids, that is only 10% of my day allocated to 'instructing' each child, I think that's not so bad.

My brothers can tell you a story about a guitar that got smashed to pieces 20 years ago because we were fighting over it. Funny because neither of us actually knew how to play the guitar, and I was prob just being a bitch by fighting for it, (Sorry Lee) but obviously my loving Samoan father had had enough of our bickering and picked up the guitar and broke it right in front of us. I can still see it and see the shock on my brothers face, maybe I'm laughing now, but if John did something like that, I would be so mad at him. Did it teach us a lesson, hell yeah, don't fight in front of Dad and if we are going to fight then fight quietly! But would doing something like that to my kids teach them a lesson? I don't know, I threaten alot, and confiscate toys if they fight over them, but I don't really know what else to do to be harder. I try not to be like my dad and turn everything into a traumatic memory, but in turn, some days feel like the battles being won by a bunch of kids that know how to con their mum all day long, then kiss me and hug me and love me right before bed time. Biggest con of all is making me feel good before they sleep, probably just so that I'll get up and make their lunch the next day.

To be honest. If you know me, you know that I am the biggest push over. My kids know it too. I see reason before I see anger. I can see your point of view before I get angry at you, and that is why my kids get away with too much, they give me their reasons for everything, they know that I will listen and most likely agree with them. It doesn't mean that I don't have my 'you better bloody move' face, that usually only needs to be used in public or when we have visitors. they know that if i make that face, eyes wide and raise my eyebrows, oh and if a finger is being pointed, then you had better bloody move. I love stories of when you are trying to keep a child quiet, they're acting up, you pinch them then they say loudly "why'd you pinch me forrrrrr."
Once we were sitting at a table at Sizzlers, and Levi was leg distance away from me, he started playing the whinging game, so I kicked him under the table, he then turned to my dad, and said in the quietest voice "Papa, my mum just kicked me."

You could say my Dad didn't look too impressed.

Another battle lost...

I can't even describe the number of times I repeat myself. every day I wake up and say the same things. Get ready, have you eaten, get ready, get up, move it, make your lunch, put your jumper on, get ready, brush your teeth, pack your bag, shoes on, shoes ON, we're going, bye, love you, have a good day.....and that's just me talking to John.
Jokes.
I suppose you could turn it around, I also hear the same things every morning. Morning mum, Morning mum, Morning mum, Can I... Can I ... Can I....Can you ... Can you.. Can you.. I need... I need... I need..... or my favourite, "I can't find my...."  no no, this is my fav .."My teacher said that...." I love to be reminded of all my failures, especially via your teacher.

I guess it would be okay if it ended when they went off to school, but Fellyn is home with me, so it just continues all day long. She will yell my name like she's hurting while sitting on the toilet, then as soon I get to her, she's like, "It's alright, I got it."  Lately its been weird things like "Mum, my legs are soo hungry." or if I ask her to do something, she will say "but my leg doesn't want to, my leg is busy." ???? I don;t even know what to say to that.
Okay this is off track but I took Fellyn to the supermarket, we are buying meat and I said to her, "Do you like sausages." She said "Yep, do you like sausages mum." I said "yep" then she stood up in the trolley and and said with her hands out in the air, "you must be a sausage lover mum!"

Couldn't even be angry because I was too busy laughing.
The battle to maintain dignity in public. Lost to a three year old.

How can standing on a piece of Lego make you question your parenting skills? If I was harder on the kids, then the Lego would not have been there, and the gigantic dent in the sole of my foot wouldn't exist. But If I am harder on the kids, then 100 % of my day will become a huge battle. I don't know if my head/heart is up to being that person. I've always said, you pick your battles, especially with kids, and even more with teenagers. some things you have to let fly, because the other option will do more harm than good. It doesn't mean that there aren't already rules in place, if those are broken then my kids know whats up, but everyday brings something different, different problems, different solutions, and I'm trying to be flexible, but firm, but still try to listen to them, but maintain the discipline. One thing you can guarantee, is that I really don't know what I'm doing. I'm winging it big time, going on instinct, relying on John to be the bad guy, relying on my girls to give me my sanity back at the end of my week (raise my glass to them) and just taking it all as it comes.

I hope that one day, when you step on a piece of Lego you think of me and my lack of mean mummy antics, and you will know that that piece of Lego in your foot means you are a soft touch like me :)

15

 I always laugh when I think about my wedding, then I slowly start to cringe at some things, my dress, my hair, at the pregnant bump that I tried to hide behind my flowers, I hated that I didn't get to invite my friends, so many people got left out, mainly due to my two week preparation and the mad dash to get me married before the baby popped out. I wish that I had worn a proper wedding dress instead of my silver knee high dress (admission of guilt, I didn't want to wear white). As I walked down the aisle, I couldn't even concentrate, all I thought about was that everyone was thinking I was a whore whore whore hahahaha, didn't help that one of Johns friends slapped me on the ass as I walked down the aisle. whore. lol.
Don't worry I'm always the first to poke fun at myself, thinking back to when I was 19 and getting married, I'm in awe of my ambition, only to remember the horror that was my first few years of marriage. Talk about rude awakening! I've always loved John, first date, first kiss, first time holding hands. But no one cares about that when your up all night with a crying baby while your man is out clubbing with his work mates. I'm laughing as I type this, but I actually remember crying waiting all night for him to come home, stubborn as, I wouldn't go to sleep till he got home, so I endured the whole night, picturing all the bad things he's doing, only to find out that he didn't even go out and just slept on a friends couch. lol. I think newly wed brides should get regular mental health checks, because I know my head was not right! I suppose you buy into the fairytale of happily ever after, then your poor husband has to deal with his shattered partner because she has just realised she didn't marry prince charming.
Thankfully, we both figured out a way to love each other, to put up with each others bull shit, and not fight. key to a relationship, learning how to not to fight. lol.
It doesn't mean that John still doesn't piss me off. It just means that, he can piss me off today, but i'll still love him tomorrow. Forgive and forget, quickly!
I think most guys are under the impression that they are really funny. this doesn't seem to wear off with age either, but learning to take a joke was another hard lesson learnt. Now John calls me a slut and we both crack up laughing, times have changed thats for sure!

I started to write this because it'll be my 15th wedding anniversary soon. I was thinking the other day about my wedding, this is what I remember.
My fav part of the day was ditching the reception to get icecream on Surrey Cres in Grey Lynn with Rita and George.
The worst part of the day was turning up to our bed and breakfast only to realise it was a shared bathroom and we were surrounded by lots of gay couples hahaha!
Sitting by myself in my lounge watching x-men waiting for somebody to pick me up for the wedding, only to have my dad run in saying sorry he forgot about me! lol,
The part that made me cry. Elia playing the piano, Lilo singing. never forget it.
Jasmine as the flower girl, and Stacey living it up on the head table coz I didnt want to sit there, so she held the fort!
Nathan would have been five, everytime he would run past any male, they would hold their crutch in fear of Nathans notorious perfectly aimed punches, so funny now, but maybe not so funny for those that got hit!
I remember the cake was too hard to cut, and I remember thinking 'see it's a sign!' can't even cut the damn cake.
Dad playing only his music at the reception..Chicago and the Eagles and he even snuck in some thin lizzy? wth?
Watching Johns dad give his speech in Samoan, he was so nervous
Our second reception at the Hunts, where I finally got to eat and lie down and have a rest.


My Marriage, is not a perfect one. It never will be. I am not a perfect person, neither is my husband. I'd like to think that we have grown up a bit, but some would still beg to differ..(only the ones that know us well!)
Funnily enough, I am grateful for everything that I have been through, not that iv'e had a hard life, but when you have a baby young, sometimes people make you feel like your 'bad'. Well i'm not bad, i'm not a bad person and I wasn't a bad person when I was 19. The things that brought the most strife and heartache to me was never my husband, it was always being judged. Judged by people that I grew up with, judged by those who barely even knew my name. A lot of friends quickly dissapeared once I had Kalara, (no grudges) and I can say that since then, my greatest friends have appeared.
I feel like, the second that you judge somebody, you yourself will one day be judged in return. I was told by a church member that I never should have gotten married and that I should have given Kalara away at birth. This hurt me to no end to think that someone, who didn't even know me, thought that I wasn't fit to be a mother, esp after tryng so hard to BE a MOTHER. Maybe I have over compensated for this feeling by having 6 more children, but 15 years ago when I was faced with these words, I could have easily crumbled. I felt like it, many times, give up, give on the marriage, run away, these are things that became options because somebody planted that doubt in my head. Should my daughter, or any teenager I know, face a pregnancy, I hope that the adults that surround them have enough sense to support them instead of laying judgement.

Anyway, on a lighter note (forgive the rant) I appreciate that we have had a circle of people around us that have supported us and loved us, and my crew. Without those friends and family, I would be one hundred times more mental than I already am. Thank you, you know who you are

So I suppose I should give a shout out to my hubby, since it is our wedding anniversary, for always supporting me, loving me and putting up with the grouch. You know you've been married for too long when you no longer care about your appearance, when your husband looks at you when you get in the car and says, wanna brush your hair? I say, wanna dress the kids, feed the kids, pack the car and clean before we go?? haha,  If you know my man, you know that he is a good man. He knows his role (jabroni) and always tries his best to be a great Dad to our kids. the thing that I love the most though, is that over the last 15 years, I have kicked him out several times, let him back in, swore at him, and I may have hurt his thumb once lol, I've sulked and moaned and complained, but regardless, he still loves me.

If, by some small chance, I should tell John how wonderful he is, you can guarantee he will say "don't tell me, tell your friends." So consider them told hun. xx Happy Anniversay to US.